Words I Couldn't Say
by Mischief in Mink
Summary: Every single time she saw him, she tried to tell him how she truly felt but she couldn't. And this time, she resorted to something which didn't involve seeing him in the eye. A letter. IchiRuki, oneshot.


**Disclaimer: **BLEACH belongs to Kubo Tite. I'm only a rabid fangirl armed with an old laptop, a crazy imagination and a lot of songs to draw inspiration from. Lyrics are quoted from Lisa Loeb's song, Stay.

**Dedication: **This is dedicated to wickedsistah1024, who told me she wanted more IchiRuki fluff from me!

**Authoress' note: **The first part is written in Rukia's POV whilst the second one is written in Ichigo's POV. A little additional note: both characters may be OOC at some parts of the story.

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**Words I Couldn't Say**

_And I thought what I felt was simple_

_And I thought that I don't belong_

_And now that I'm leaving, now I know_

_That I did something wrong, 'cause I miss you_

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Dear Ichigo,

I don't even know whether this letter will ever arrive to you or it will simply vanish in its long journey from Soul Society to your place. I'm writing this on the desk in my room in Kuchiki Manor, which is a place occupied by not only me but also Nii-sama and the rest of Kuchiki family. Don't laugh. I know you're probably raising your eyebrow incredulously now. Nii-sama is not that bad, really. I actually have quite a good time staying here.

Years have passed since we last saw each other and I wonder whether you still have that orange hair and permanent scowl. I think you're still sporting the orange hair; the scowl…perhaps not. After all, you have Inoue, who always cheers you up, don't you? By the way, I don't think I have ever told you this, but…

You look really good with a smile on your face. Yes, you do.

And no, I'm not talking about that cocky smile you gave me every time I berated at you for toying around with the Hollow you were supposed to kill. I'm talking about your genuine smile, the one you gave me when I told you I'd like to stay in Soul Society. The one you gave Inoue when you knew that she was safe from that Menos attack which could have killed us all. The one you gave that Plus soul when she told you she had a brother who looked similar to you.

Ichigo, I hope you've been well and healthy. From what I heard from Renji and other shinigami who went to earth within the past few years, you seem to be fitting well to your old self without the shinigami duties burdening you. Honestly, I'm elated to know that. You're finally getting the life you should get, without having to worry that a Hollow will attack you when you do your Biology homework or read your Shakespeare novels.

I haven't seen you in a long time and sometimes it really makes me wonder about how you look now. I'd wonder whether you're still reckless and stubborn, too. Whether you're still having daily fights with your father. Whether you still inhabit that small room of yours. Whether you still keep that futon in the closet just in case I ever drop by for a visit.

That's funny, isn't it? I had promised you I wouldn't go back, no matter what you said, and now I'm saying that perhaps I'll drop by for a visit. I did promise you I wouldn't come back to you because I wanted you to have a normal life. And having a shinigami, a dead person, living with you isn't normal at all. You did say that you're also a shinigami, but it's still different.

Ichigo, I just want to let you know that the words I write here are the words I've been dreading to tell you but I couldn't because I was too cowardly to say it to your face.

I missed you a lot. I still miss you, even now. I think leaving you is the biggest mistake I've ever done in my entire life (or afterlife, as you may call it). I feel so stupid; I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I couldn't think straight. Nii-sama was seriously considering to call you to come over but I told him not to.

I know this sounds really stupid, but I really miss having you around. Living without you is just…different. As a starter, there's nobody to banter with. Renji is a good bickering adversary but he always gives in eventually, because he feels that he should let me win the verbal fight. You're so different. You'd never let me win that easily no matter what. You would never give up until one of us admitted defeat, and that's what I really like about you. You're never one to quit. Even at times you could be a total idiot, you still know when to call it quit and when to not. Correction: actually you don't know when to call it quit because you just won't.

Sometimes I do wish I can be human, so we can stay together, forever. Just like you and Inoue. You both look great together and I bet you're probably dating her now. I think she will be able to bring some sunshine into your life, Ichigo, and if you have never given it a thought before, now it's time to consider dating her. I believe she understands you really, really well and she can surely support you for the rest of your life.

If this letter arrives to you, do write back. I'd love to hear something from you, even if it's only a single word.

I miss you and will still miss you.

Always yours,

Rukia

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Dear Rukia,

You were an idiot and you're still an idiot. Heh. I guess it's really not easy to change someone, am I right?

Honestly, I was surprised when I read your letter. I thought it was addressed to the wrong person. No, actually I thought it was from a wrong person, addressed to the wrong person. It didn't sound like you at all to appear so weak and open about your emotions.

Kuchiki Rukia, you're really stupid. Then again, I'm a stupid person as well.

The past few years have been good. Good, but never great. And it's not only because Kon keeps whining about his beloved Nee-san (you!) and why I didn't do anything to hold you back. What did he expect, really? That I should chain you to the bedpost to prevent you from leaving?

You're such an idiot. You kept saying that you didn't belong here. You belong here, Rukia. You always have and will always do. What can I do to get this through your thick skull?

I've been waiting for the day to come. The day when I can finally be honest to myself and tell you everything I've been keeping to myself in the past few years.

Today is the day.

Inoue is great, I agree. She's nice, she's cheerful and she does bring sunshine to my life. But sunshine is only around when it's sunny outside, Rukia. Sunshine disappears when it rains. Neither does it stay when it's dark.

What I need is a ray of light. A ray of light which always stays with me, no matter whether it's bright or dark, raining or sunny, day or night. And you, if you haven't realised it now, are that ray of light.

Perhaps now you're thinking that I've gone completely insane.

The answer is no. This is the truth. I'm telling you the words I couldn't say.

Rukia, I've always wished that you didn't have to leave. When I saw your eyes I knew you didn't want to go. But your words said otherwise and what could I do? Pin you to the bed and use a duct tape to prevent you from going? Byakuya would have seen it as a sexual harassment and he'd probably drag you away anyway. Plus, I know how stubborn you could be when you have decided on something. So, I let you go.

Within the past few years, I've always had the same wish everyday. To wake up knowing that you're with me, be it in that little closet or in the twins' room. I had always wished that you could be here, that you were the one who greeted me in the morning instead of Kon or my old man.

I had always wished it was you who asked me out to festivals or movies. None of the other girls who asked me out before could measure up to you, you annoying midget. You could be annoying, but I realise I love it that way. None of the other girls had the guts to call me idiot or hit me physically. People had been telling me that these girls are the ones who need protection the most, but the one I want to protect the most is you (even though you insist you can save your own sorry ass without me having to help you).

I've been missing you since the day you left. Well, actually no, I've been missing you since first day we met. I've always known full well that one day you'd have to go and I've always hoped that that day didn't have to come.

So, imagine how dejected I was when you told me you were never coming back to me. The most dreadful day of my life had come and honestly, even though you somehow made it easier to accept with your resolute stance, it hurt me even more to know that you were only putting up an act to prevent both of us from breaking.

I've been missing you since that day, Rukia. I miss you, even now.

And the words I couldn't say…the words I've always kept to myself…they have resurfaced in my heart again when I read your letter. Have you ever thought of how stupid both of us are? Perhaps it's one reason why we're so perfect together. We're stupid together and I wouldn't care, as long as you're the one who bickers with me and not someone else.

I hope this letter arrives to you safely, midget. And once you get it, promise me you'll be here soon or I'll break into Soul Society to drag you out of there. Yes, even if I have to literally drag you, I will.

Come back to me, Rukia. This time, I really mean it. You belong here. Kon wants his Nee-san back. Yuzu has been asking about you since day one you left. Karin has been bugging me for being an irresponsible 'friend' and my old man has been complaining that he misses his third daughter. Even the people from high school were asking me about your whereabouts. Yes, even Chizuru, who told me that it was my fault that such beautiful person went away. I guess she's right. It's my fault that I didn't say the words I was supposed to say so that you'd stay.

I need you here.

That stubborn strawberry,

Ichigo

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**FIN**


End file.
